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We’ve all been there. Our significant other makes us mad. We’re fuming. Maybe over something dumb. Probably over something dumb! And then we say it… that thing that will ensure this dumb argument becomes a war for the next two days. Whatever that thing is just waits at the tip of our tongue when we’re angry. Maybe we think for a moment that we shouldn’t say it. Maybe we vowed to ourselves after the last blow up that we’ll never say it again. Maybe we say it at the same time we’re thinking “don’t do it”. But there it goes flying out of our mouth again when we’re angry. Why is that? What makes us say things we know we’re going to regret? What happens? Temporary insanity? Masochism?Read more about Don\'t ruin the next 48 hours of your relationship .....
Well, to answer this question, we need to look at the brain a little bit. When we’re dealing with an attachment figure (someone to whom we have an emotional attachment) the most primitive parts of our brain are easily activated. The part of our brain that deals with love is right next to the part that deals with danger! Coincidence? I think not! And when we are attached to someone, they become emotionally dangerous to us because we are vulnerable to them. So they can activate us the most easily. They can make our brains start signaling “danger, danger, danger” at the drop of a hat. This is because we need attachment (more on this topic will be provided in another post). Because of this need, discord with our partner can signal our brain to react in the same way it would to a lion busting into the room. So our significant other can get our heart racing, our muscles tightened, and our fight or flight responses quickly activated. But if you’ve ever been in love, I don’t need to tell you that!
So, when we get upset with our partner, how do we stop that very rapid and intense process before that wrong thing blurts out of our mouth? Before we say the thing that will ensure misery for the next 48 hours? Here are a few tips that can help:
- As soon as you feel that activation occur, it is a good idea to stop engaging your partner. Say that you need a little break and that you’ll come back to revisit the subject in a half hour (or however much time you need). Communicating this and giving a timeline are both critical to this step because your partner’s primal brain is activated too, and if you just walk away it will increase that activation and may escalate things.
- Once you are away from the situation, focus on taking some deep slow breaths. I know this is probably something you’ve heard before, but it really is a helpful step. Research has shown that even five deep slow breaths literally cools the emotional centers of a person’s brain. This will allow you to become sane again and access logical reasoning.
- If you feel very tense or a lot of energy and are having difficulty bringing yourself down, do something physical. Whenthose fight or flight responses are activated, that extra energy needs to be burned off. Some easy and quick exercises include jumping jacks, push ups, hitting a punching bag, or simply going for a run or a brisk walk. Doing something physical will allow your body to come back down and be ready to engage in a calmer manner.
- When you re-engage with your partner, make a list of the things you want to address prior to talking with them. It’s helpful if they do the same. Take turns discussing your points with the rule that no one is allowed to interrupt.
- Practice reflective listening. When the other person is talking, it is the listeners job to only validate their point. Which means, though you will have in mind your rebuttal to what they are saying, you must stay engaged in their points and not your own. You need to repeat back to them what they are saying as though you are a mirror. “So what you’re saying is…” “So how that made you feel is…” Really try to understand the argument from their point of view, as though you are them. This will take some practice, but it does get easier in time. Be sure not to throw in any “buts” or start discussing your point of view before it is your turn. Pay attention to your own activation. If you start to escalate, breath through it and then ask yourself what they are feeling.
Some of these steps are very challenging to follow in the moment. Trust me, I’ve been there too! Sometimes you won’t be able to do it in an initial argument and you’ll suffer through the 48 hours of hell! But once everyone is calmer, I urge you not to brush it under the rug. Discuss it using these steps! Couples I work with in couple’s therapy have usually had years of brushing things under the rug. Years of not addressing or resolving any of their issues. Years of never feeling heard! Then they reach a point where they are just done. Don’t let that be you! As hard as it is to go through these steps, it is worth it. Otherwise, all of these dumb little arguments build up and erode the relationship. But if you talk things out, if both people feel heard and understood, even if there’s no ultimate agreement on the topic, things will not build up. Then you will be able to continue to activate each other (in the good ways and the not so good ways) for years to come!
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